In elementary school, I believed Jesus died for me so I could be with God forever, but I didn’t fully understand all that meant. My mom and some faithful leaders in my church did their best to point me to Jesus, and even though I wanted to learn more about God, I wanted to fit in with my peers more. As I grew up, I kind of got lost in the mix of other kids at my church, and I wasn't discipled or shown what it looked like to follow Jesus.
I noticed I didn’t seem to fit in at church or at school. This led to a lot of anxiety and a nagging feeling that I wasn’t good enough, which played into my faith. I viewed God as distant, hearing a lot about his rules but not a lot about his heart. I thought I would see him in heaven someday, but I didn’t realize he wanted a relationship with me right then.
I felt unworthy in a lot of areas of my life and thought the approval of others would satisfy my desire to belong or fit in. This led to a lot of unhealthy and codependent friendships. Through the influence of these friends, I chose to pursue a sinful lifestyle and began drinking in excess and smoking. These things felt like an escape from my social anxiety, general anxiety, and negative thoughts.
This continued into college, and I became less interested in faith. My parents had required me to go to church when I was living at home in high school, so when I moved out, I eventually stopped going. I thought God was withholding fun from me; I didn’t think he saw me or cared about me.
Later in college, I went to an on-campus ministry and heard the gospel in a way I understood for the first time: there is nothing we can do to earn grace. Salvation is all a gift from God through Christ’s death and resurrection. I didn’t need to clean myself up before coming to God; he runs toward me.
I understood this, and I knew God was pursuing me by continuously drawing me to this ministry, but I was not fully convicted of my sin. I kept drinking and making sinful choices because I didn’t know what else to do, and part of me still enjoyed that lifestyle. My anxiety escalated, and I felt a growing sense of purposelessness. I tried to find worth and value in worldly things like relationships and academic success, but nothing could fill me up or take away the shame I felt.
When I graduated, I moved back to Dallas. I was incredibly isolated, and the purposelessness and anxiety I felt only escalated. Through this, I felt drawn to go back to church. I began learning how to invest in my relationship with God and abide in Jesus (John 15:5) by reading God’s Word, praying, and trusting that God had good plans for my life. I began experiencing deep conviction over my sin and discovered there’s true joy in following the Lord. I wanted to be all in for Jesus, but I didn’t know how. I was still being pulled back into my old ways and felt so much shame.
I came to The Porch, and when I heard the pastor share his story from the stage, I was struck. I had never heard such authenticity from a pastor before. I saw people at Watermark who were walking with Jesus so closely, honest and unashamed about their past because of how God had transformed their lives. I knew these were the kinds of people I wanted to surround myself with. I grew to understand more of the gospel and experienced the freedom and fullness of joy that came from walking in full surrender to Jesus.
Later, I entered a season with a lot of transition in my life. While much of it was good, it was extremely hard, and I started having intrusive thoughts about suicide. I didn’t know what to do or how to tell anyone other than my counselor. Through guidance and counsel, I began taking medication for my anxiety and depression, and I began to let trusted followers of Jesus know what was going on and how to care for me. Around that time, someone recommended Re:generation, Watermark’s biblical recovery ministry.
Through the steps and community at Re:gen, along with the women in my community group, God allowed me to experience the joy and comfort of being fully known and fully loved, walking in new life with Christ. I learned to proactively confess sin and hurt, talking about things when I think about them or expect them to happen, not just after something happens. I also learned that there’s no quick fix in the healing process: it’s in the daily abiding with the Lord that you find hope, peace, and joy.
God has brought me so far, but there is still work to be done (John 15:2). As I continue wrestling with anxiety, God reminds me that even when my circumstances aren't good, he is making them into something good (Romans 8:28). Just as he saw Hagar in the wilderness (Genesis 16:13), he sees me, loves me, cares about me, and he will never stop pursuing me.
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Feeling stuck or hopeless? Re:generation is a weekly ministry where men and women find freedom and healing in Christ through a biblical process of recovery. Join us on Mondays at 6:30 PM.