There was a time in my life when I was chasing the approval of others, searching for identity and self-worth, and struggling with control and anxiety. But God took hold of my heart and gave me new life. Now I can live freely, knowing my identity is in Christ and that God has already written my story.
I grew up in a Christ-centered family with my mom, dad, and older sister. We're all really close, and I grew up going to church almost every Sunday. But for me personally, Jesus was just reserved for church and Sundays. I didn't really want to talk about him with my parents at home. I just wanted to look like the perfect girl at church—sitting in the front row, taking amazing notes, and then going home, putting my Bible on my desk, and leaving it there until next Sunday.
Growing up, I always wanted to be the best. Whether it was getting good grades, leading a group of friends, being popular, or being the best at sports, I was constantly seeking approval from the world, and I always wanted to be in control.
This became really evident when I was in third grade, and the COVID pandemic happened. Suddenly, there was no more school, sports, or time with all of my friends. I felt like I had lost my identity because everything I had placed my worth in was gone.
As a result, I felt my anxiety levels really ramping up, and my parents helped me connect with a Christian counselor. While it was extremely helpful to have these conversations with a professional, I still felt ashamed, alone, and embarrassed about being in therapy. I just wanted to be “normal”. I truly thought something was wrong with me. I also started taking medication for anxiety, which made me feel even more embarrassed. I wanted so badly to be the normal, perfect girl.
When school resumed, I felt like my purpose had been restored. I was popular again, doing well in sports, and feeling like everything was back to normal. Then, a few years later, my parents told me I would be applying to a private school for middle school. That rocked my whole world. I felt like the safe community of friends I loved was being ripped away from me. At that point, I began to idolize my friendships and find my identity in other people, a pattern that continued for years. I genuinely thought my parents were trying to ruin my life by taking me away from my friends.
When I got into my new school and started sixth grade, I didn't give it a fair chance. I went into the school year with a fixed mindset, determined to get back to my old friends and school. I would pretend to hate my new school, even though I actually loved parts of it because I wanted to prove I was right and my parents were wrong.
I ultimately returned to public school, and I thought everything would be perfect again, but instead, my insecurities grew and my desire for approval only intensified. I cared deeply about how others perceived me, and I wanted everyone to like me. With all of these changes, I struggled to understand where I fit in. And then I eventually felt left out. This was hard for me as I often felt really sad and lonely and didn’t find joy in things like I used to. It was a very dark time for me.
During this season, I also realized I was not pursuing my relationship with Jesus. I knew it was important and would help me feel better, but I continually prioritized other things. I convinced myself that there would be time for Jesus in the future. But my mom and one of her best friends had been talking about the imminence of Jesus’s return and what that would be like. I remember thinking, "If I really believe Jesus is coming back, then I don’t want to waste any more time."
That conversation really lit a fire in me. I decided to invite my small group leader into these feelings because I didn't know what to do. I knew about the Lord, but I also knew I wasn't living with him as the center of my life. My friendships had always been important to me, but I was now realizing they were taking God’s place on the throne. She talked with me about my salvation, and from there I slowly began to pursue God more and more.
As the weeks went by, I began to see Jesus as someone I could have a relationship with rather than someone I associated with church or used to help me look good in front of others. As we processed ongoing school and friend transitions together, I was significantly more intentional about praying, spending time with the Lord, and just making him my priority and trusting in his plan for me.
Through all of that, I began to find peace, understand my worth, and develop a genuine desire to follow the Lord and make him my purpose in life. He has also given me a desire to serve others and share the gospel.
My life has changed because now I have security in who I am. I know the Lord holds my life in his hands, and I don't have to try to control everything and perform for, or even outperform, anyone. It is a miracle of God and only of God, but I now know my identity is rooted in Christ alone.